3 posts tagged “communication”
I went to Acapulco's tonight with my playgroup for MNO. This is the first time I had gone to a MNO. It was nice seeing them again, but I don't think I'll go again.
It was really distressing that I couldn't hear anyone's conversation enough to contribute. I just sat there and sipped my drink and ate my food. I would look from one mom's lips to another trying to keep track of the conversation, but it was just so tiring. An hour into it I wanted to leave. I ended up staying two hours and left with the first group of women that left.
I have a feeling that they think I was being rude. It is embarrassing to have people repeat everything all the time. I don't know these women well enough to ask them to, or to let them know what is going on. I know for those not in my shoes it may seem silly. But I don't want to be seen as different or to be coddled. I guess I just have to accept that there are some places I'm not going to be able to go if I want to be able to communicate with anyone.
But I don't want to accept that and it just gets me mad. I freaking hate this. And I hate that I'm crying over it.
I spent from 7pm to 11pm talking to an old friend, then from 11pm to 6:30am talking to AJ. I love talking to him all night. I learn so much about him when that happens. It is like a special type of connection that occurs and we are the only people in the world.
Now, though...I'm exhausted. lol
My Dad offered to perform our ceremony. AFTER we have had everything planned. I would love to have him do it...but I don't think he'll go out to Orange County to do it like we'd like. And with how sensitive he is...I don't want to offend him. I have a feeling my parents aren't going to make the drive. Its kind of saddening...but its ok. I wasn't expecting anyone at the courthouse but AJ and the kids anyway. It would have been nice for them to meet his family though (my mother has met his mother, but that isn't the point).
Family politics...BLEH.
I verbally vomited all over AJ. A woman that was one of his friends (but her and her husband kept back-stabbing him) called him up tonight and they just started talking like nothing had ever happened.
This bothered me. A LOT. Like, so much that I got mad and said if he was going to start talking to her again then I can start talking to Anita again. He said okay, and I said I wanted it in writing.
And then the floodgates opened and I let him have all the pain and anger that had been stored for him, but mostly for H. All the anger at the double standards and being left behind but expected to still conform to her rules...I broke.
He said I should tell her, but I'm done. I am making my life what I want it to be, no longer "how can I get out of her shadow." I have started doing things that are me, not things I either thought she'd be proud of me for, or thought she'd like. I am my own person again, and I am happy.
We'll be moving out of state in the next year or so and I won't have to worry about this anymore. I can't believe how much better I feel just getting it all out. I've been holding it in for a very long time.
